Malcolm Tucker sorts out Hamilton and Hearts

In The Thick of It yet again at Hampden

The media have been quick to tag the post-match bust up between Hamilton and Hearts as ‘The Battle of New Douglas Park’. This is the sort of hyperbole you expect from the Scottish media but for one man, it was no more than a minor quibble.

Malcolm Tucker has seen it all during his time in Westminster and now that he is involved with the SFA, getting to the heart of this matter was not going to be a problem. The following are extracts from the conversations Tucker had with Csaba Laszlo and Billy Reid.

“As you two will imagine, I’m not a fan of dealing with managers, its like being Simon Cowell without having the power to say ‘Stop, you are effin mental’ but lets get this over and done with quickly”

“Okay Csaba Ranks, in as few words as possible please, give us the Hearts version of events. Right, what’s the story fu**anory?”

CL:“For me, it was nothing but it was everything, never have I seen anything like this. Shoving and pushing, okay, it was like a meeting with Vladimir but for footballers, it was new to me. So I say, yes, there was trouble and yes, there was shoving”

“Woah there big mouth, how do you manage to breathe? I can see this being a long one. Just as an aside, why are you still in a job? I bet you thought you’d be counting your severance pay by now!”

“No, Mr Romanov is happy for me to be in charge, we talk very often and for me, that is the reason…”

“Right, reign it in, you’ve lasted longer than the Cilit Bang guy, so well done for that. The ref’s taken away Michael Stewart’s red card, which if you ask me, makes him one lucky boy. He’s as ginger as Neil Kinnock and frankly as much use. I was tempted to keep the red card to serve him right for falling over in the tunnel but it’s more of a punishment to allow him to play for you.”

“As for you Reid, before we start, let’s be honest, your ground’s a s***hole, what about you being on your a**e a few weeks back?”

“C’mon guys, the tunnel is no place for a fight. Apart from when you’re out in Glasgow, is that no the one where Aiden McGeady goes to? That’s another thing, who was the SFA idiot that let that wee Westlife wannabe riverdance all the way over to the Guiness drinkers? I bet it was that Archie Knox! One Scotland, many cultures my backside, someone should be wearing Knox’s testicles as earrings for his stupidity. Anyways…”

“The tunnel Billy, you won’t know it, you look more like a Savoy man, which means you’re no stranger to a fight, so you tell me about it?”

BR:“I just want to talk about the game. That’s a great three points for the Accies and we’ll be staying up this season. I never saw it; I was shaking the hands of my players at the end of the game.”

“Shaking the throat of your opponents more like. That’s not what the radio said but then again, the day I take Chick Young’s opinion is the day Malcolm Tucker is put out to pasture. That boy is so dense that light bends around him. You’re a sleekit wee b**tard Reid, I’d have money on you in a street-fight any day, I like that. I know you only had one player involved so there’s not much I can do about your lot.”

CL: “That is not fair, it takes the two to tango, Vladimir told me this when he won the Strictly Come Dancing competition back home.”

“I would win the X-effin-Factor if I had the money and power to kill people who didn’t vote for me, so you don’t impress me with that chat. You’ve got Nade in your line-up, was he even able to fit in the tunnel?”

CL:“You can’t expect Nade to get there on time, by the time he arrived, the fight was over. He was fighting on the bus going home though. Lee Wallace had the last of the KFC; we had to stop off at the McDonalds at Ratho to get Nade a Big Mac meal.”

“To be honest guys, a bit of fighting isn’t a bad thing but in the tunnel? Sky have got cameras everywhere and we’re trying to make Scottish football a family sport. If it was junior football, that would have been a great advertisement but for the big stuff, it’s as welcoming as a lift home from Fred West.”

“So tell you what, it’s nearly Christmas, suspended sentences all round and a fine big enough for the SFA Christmas piss-up. Darryl is bringing that McMammoth lassie so we need a crateful of Lambrini and ol’ Peaty likes the odd mince-pie or ten. Get out of my sight and don’t end up back here this season…..oh and in case I forget, ho ho ho, Merry Christmas you humps.”

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